salmon with chili-lime butter

Hello, and welcome back to the blog that I’ll apparently update once every four weeks or so. Let’s also forget about that whole keto thing for a bit because I just. cannot. with it for the time being.

Here’s a sampling of what I did today:

  1. Stabbed myself in the eye with eyeliner
  2. Stabbed myself in the eye with mascara
  3. Fell in front of my office and twisted my ankle and now it’s like I’m nine months pregnant all over again with the swollen ankle
  4. …okay, I worked too, but that was all good stuff.

I didn’t exactly feel like dealing with a complicated meal today, so I improvised, and hey! It was super delish. You’ll need… maybe 15 minutes? for this easy Salmon with Chili-Lime Butter. I served it with green beans that were tossed in the butter after the salmon was finished.

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You’ll need:

  • Salmon. Duh. (Sorry. I bought a 1lb filet and cut it into a 10 ounce piece and a 6 ounce piece. Get the kind with the skin on, not skinless.)
  • 2T butter or ghee
  • 2t chili pepper flakes
  • 1 lime
  • Salt and pepper
  1. Add salt and pepper to taste to both sides of the salmon; you could also dust the skin side with a little flour for extra crispiness.
  2. Over medium heat, melt the butter or ghee. Add the chili pepper; zest the lime, add the zest to the pan, and then squeeze the juice from the lime into the pan. Stir, and let cook for two minutes.
  3. Add the salmon to the pan skin side down; cook for 4-6 minutes or until the skin is crispy and light pink is creeping up the side of the salmon.
  4. Flip, and cook for another two minutes. I prefer my salmon on the medium-rare side, but if you like it more done, cook for a total of four minutes on the skinless side.
  5. Plate the salmon and drizzle the chili-lime butter over the top.

So easy! So good! And now I’m going to take some Advil and pout over not being able to fully work out for another couple of days.

KCBO (keep calm and bitch on), or, here’s a salad lyonnaise (keto, dairy-free, gluten-free)

After throwing a tantrum about an apple, I ate the apple. And then I ate everything else. And then I gained back the five pounds and stomach problems and appetite I lost during my four days on keto. So now I’m reluctantly back on keto, and we’ll see how long this lasts until I shank someone for a Cutie.

cuties
my precioooooouuuuusssssss

Some of you are probably thinking, “why not just eat in moderation?”

Mocking-Spongebob
wHy NoT eAt iN mOdErAtIoN?

Because I haven’t found a way to eat in moderation that ends up with me actually eating in moderation and making better choices (and by that, I mean not sugar-free, fat-free chemical shitstorms). My ideal diet is close to a typical wellness-loving Instagrammer, all matcha and bee pollen and Buddha bowls and oatmeal and salmon and avocado toast and fruit and yet, I haven’t found a way to lose weight eating like this, which drives me insane.

Anyway.

I needed something quick and easy for dinner, so I threw together this Salad Lyonnaisse, which is a prettier way of describing an egg and bacon salad. This could not be easier:

  1. Put some arugula in a bowl. I don’t limit greens because I love them and they’re leafy greens. Not concerned about carbs in leaves. Anyway.
  2. Bake or fry some bacon. Chop into lardons and sprinkle over the arugula.
  3. Poach two eggs. Make sure they’re kinda ugly and not Instagram-perfect. Call them rustic. Place them on the salad.
  4. Whizz together some dressing: 1/2 cup olive oil, 1/2 cup dijon or spicy brown mustard, 3T lemon juice, salt, pepper, minced garlic (I used five cloves because we love garlic). If it doesn’t have enough bite, add another 1-2 tablespoons of lemon juice. Drizzle over everything.

Et voila! It’s filling and not too heavy, which is perfect for days when I can’t look at a burger or steak without wanting to hurl.

merry christmas, dumbass.

M and I went to the gym, an hour’s drive from my parents’ house, today and I lifted weights for the first time in approximately four months. On the way home, I bragged about how I hadn’t lost much strength during this time of rapid calorie consumption.

A few hours later, I noticed that my forearms and elbows were weak, and that my pinky fingertips were a little numb. Thanks to WebMD, I diagnosed myself with lupus, diabetes, and rheumatoid arthritis, and proceeded to relay all of this to M.

My husband, bless his heart, gently reminded me that I had lifted more weight in the past day than I had in literal months, and my muscles were fatigued, and kissed me on the forehead before leaving to pour himself a drink.

Considering how frequently this happens, I’m honestly surprised that most of his responses don’t end with him saying “…dumbass.”

Merry Christmas, y’all.

bacon is overrated

It’s my fourth day on keto, and I hate everything.

I hate cheese. I hate eggs. I hate red meat. I hate cream. I hate bacon. I hate the puny number of net carbs I can eat. I am this close to grabbing an apple out of my coworker’s hand.

Last night, my husband found me gazing lovingly at a shiny, plump Red Delicious apple on our counter. It called to me, just begging to be sliced and eaten with a scoop of peanut butter. And did I eat it? NO. Am I angry about this? YES.

apple1
Look at how glorious this is. LOOK AT IT.

IT’S AN APPLE. IT’S FROM A TREE. IT HAS TO BE HEALTHIER THAN NOT EATING AN APPLE. I DON’T WANT CANDY OR COOKIES OR DONUTS, I WANT A DAMN APPLE.

apple2
🎶 Late at night when all the world is sleeping / I stay up and think of you 🎶

That’s all I’ve got. I’m angry and hungry and I want a damn piece of fruit and yes I KNOW I’m choosing to try this and I should just stop whining but I really need to lose weight and keto is amazing for so many people but I just want a damn apple from a damn tree like God intended.

I’m gonna go angrily chew on a piece of cheese.