KCBO (keep calm and bitch on), or, here’s a salad lyonnaise (keto, dairy-free, gluten-free)

After throwing a tantrum about an apple, I ate the apple. And then I ate everything else. And then I gained back the five pounds and stomach problems and appetite I lost during my four days on keto. So now I’m reluctantly back on keto, and we’ll see how long this lasts until I shank someone for a Cutie.

my precioooooouuuuusssssss

Some of you are probably thinking, “why not just eat in moderation?”

wHy NoT eAt iN mOdErAtIoN?

Because I haven’t found a way to eat in moderation that ends up with me actually eating in moderation and making better choices (and by that, I mean not sugar-free, fat-free chemical shitstorms). My ideal diet is close to a typical wellness-loving Instagrammer, all matcha and bee pollen and Buddha bowls and oatmeal and salmon and avocado toast and fruit and yet, I haven’t found a way to lose weight eating like this, which drives me insane.


I needed something quick and easy for dinner, so I threw together this Salad Lyonnaisse, which is a prettier way of describing an egg and bacon salad. This could not be easier:

  1. Put some arugula in a bowl. I don’t limit greens because I love them and they’re leafy greens. Not concerned about carbs in leaves. Anyway.
  2. Bake or fry some bacon. Chop into lardons and sprinkle over the arugula.
  3. Poach two eggs. Make sure they’re kinda ugly and not Instagram-perfect. Call them rustic. Place them on the salad.
  4. Whizz together some dressing: 1/2 cup olive oil, 1/2 cup dijon or spicy brown mustard, 3T lemon juice, salt, pepper, minced garlic (I used five cloves because we love garlic). If it doesn’t have enough bite, add another 1-2 tablespoons of lemon juice. Drizzle over everything.

Et voila! It’s filling and not too heavy, which is perfect for days when I can’t look at a burger or steak without wanting to hurl.